misty blogging at elowel.org
afterthoughts... 11-16-05 13:56
so... i changed my mind...

i broke down a little there, and went off on alot of things. i feel better now. still don't have everything figured out, but i think i was stressing for a lot of nothing. i do that sometimes, unfortnetly....

but yes. just so's ya all know, its not as bad as i thought maybe it all was. but there are still a few issues on hand, that hopefully will soon be figured out... yep.

-misty
afterthoughts... 11-16-05 13:56
so... i changed my mind...

i broke down a little there, and went off on alot of things. i feel better now. still don't have everything figured out, but i think i was stressing for a lot of nothing. i do that sometimes, unfortnetly....

but yes. just so's ya all know, its not as bad as i thought maybe it all was. but there are still a few issues on hand, that hopefully will soon be figured out... yep.

-misty
*big sigh* 'nuff said. 11-15-05 09:40
so... its like, everything is so simple. it really is. but our minds make everything so goddamned complicated that its hard to tell waht you want or need.
why? why does our fucking huge ass heads do this to us?
have we not been good to you fat head? no? AAAHHHHGGGG!
*deep breath*
i don't understand why this is so difficult. it would be SO easy to just get married to james and live with him in... Korea. but i don't WANT to. fuck... this all sounds like a soapopera or something. but its not.
its real. and thats why it sucks.
i talked to him last night. we didn't discuss our future at all. i wanted to so bad, its all stressing me out way more then i want it to. i don't want to break it off, but i think we both are thinking it will, thats why we would have long pauses of silence. the converstation would still go on in our minds. my mind says
"so, james... what are we going to do?"
but i get no responce... cuase i havn't sai that yet. i almost called him back an hour after we hung up to ask, but i don't have enough balls (of course... i am a girl). i thought about it for an hour... i let it ring once and hung up. it would have been really late for him so he was probably asleep. he better call today like he said.
fuck.
options;
-break it up
-wait four years
-wait two years and then go to him whereever the hell he'll be.
-leave afterhigh school

first one is hard... but i don't even know if i would cry anymore. second one is really hard. its been four months and its been hard.

AND why do i keep looking at the fucking clock at 3:16!

whatever... FUCK! i'm so unbalances anymore. it SUCKS. i hate that i can't handle this emotionally. and its not even that difficult, is it? it doesn't seem that way... but my insides are dying. it doesn't feel real. i hate that it doesn't feel real anymore. i hate that i let myself into this when i knew what was going to happen. i knew that when he got on his knee it was all wrong. i hate that i said yes. never once have a i felt like i'm engaged. it doesn't feel real. i hate so much right now. i'm so angry and sad. two drugs that should not be mixed. luckily all i've done is been a bitch to all my friends. of which i'm really sorry. sorry guys. i'm so confused. why am i this way? is it because i know its not going to work out for the four next years? everytime we meet it'll be like meeting a new person... how can we be engaged to someone we don't even know?! how can we even attempt such a feet. i love the james i knew four months ago. i dont' know if i know this one. he doesn't know me. i, even after four months, feel so much different. everyone else agrees that i am different now. at this age that happens alot. we learn about ourselves and our world and we change. we change. I can tell james is different. just by how he talks to me anymore. somethings are the same. but i know he's different. The james i knew, i loved him becuase i thought he was amazing. have you ever looked at one person and immediatly thought "wow... this person is so... amazing and wonderful, how am i so lucky to know such a person? he is so beautiful." even though most others thought him to be immature and anoying. he is an amazing person. he really is. and... i want to try. but if he can't wait four years. we should most likely... have an open relationship or something. so that we can still see whats out there. i don't want to be commited, thats hard for me. i hate being commited to something, cuase then your not suposed to change your mind. your responsable. so... for all my friends, this is waht has been going threw my mind constantly for the last week or so. i don't know if i have good reason to fret and be so emotional... but i am... and i will be untill this gets figured out. -misty
kool fuking beens 10-25-05 09:45
so... life, right now? not bad. lonely sometimes. especially when i'm around adrienne and her boy friend. i get very jelouse becuase i actually have that relationship, BUT it i can't actually HAVE it right now with me physically. i'll probably be feeling this way for a long time, until i'm done with collage, or until james come back from korea when he goes there. i miss him so incredibly much. i didn't know i could miss someone so much. i mean, i miss my dad and my little brothers becuase i don't see them that often, but i have never been as close to them as me and james(in bed).
so, halloween is soon. catrinna, adirenne, and i are trying to throw a party. it would be are first OFFICIAL party. i hope catrinna's mom will still let us use the house. its a dress up party. i'm excited. i think i'll still go trick-or-treating, i love it. i'm going to be a serial killer cheerleader. cool, eh? i'm gunna wear my skirt and junk, with out the shell though, and i'm gunna blood spatter myself with something, i dunno what, and i have fake eyelashes too.
shopping list:
fake blood
fake (maybe) knife
shoes (sexy ones)
make-up
more shirts (not related to halloween)
present for my moms b-day (it's... TOMARROW!)

its soposed to be a "sex party". i think it's a lame idea, becuase my bed-buddy is set to away. i'll have fun anyway, i always do look on the bright side of things and try to have fun. i'll invite others that can't have sex or soemthign too, to make myself feel better. lol. sometimes... when i look at adrienne and scott, i almost cry. i don't mean too, but i suddenly get overwhelmed with missing and lonelyness... yep. i hate crying. especially when i'm laughing. how lame is that? to cry when i laugh...
kool fuking beens 10-25-05 09:44
so... life, right now? not bad. lonely sometimes. especially when i'm around adrienne and her boy friend. i get very jelouse becuase i actually have that relationship, BUT it i can't actually HAVE it right now with me physically. i'll probably be feeling this way for a long time, until i'm done with collage, or until james come back from korea when he goes there. i miss him so incredibly much. i didn't know i could miss someone so much. i mean, i miss my dad and my little brothers becuase i don't see them that often, but i have never been as close to them as me and james(in bed).
so, halloween is soon. catrinna, adirenne, and i are trying to throw a party. it would be are first OFFICIAL party. i hope catrinna's mom will still let us use the house. its a dress up party. i'm excited. i think i'll still go trick-or-treating, i love it. i'm going to be a serial killer cheerleader. cool, eh? i'm gunna wear my skirt and junk, with out the shell though, and i'm gunna blood spatter myself with something, i dunno what, and i have fake eyelashes too.
shopping list:
fake blood
fake (maybe) knife
shoes (sexy ones)
make-up
more shirts (not related to halloween)
present for my moms b-day (it's... TOMARROW!)

its soposed to be a "sex party". i think it's a lame idea, becuase my bed-buddy is set to away. i'll have fun anyway, i always do look on the bright side of things and try to have fun. i'll invite others that can't have sex or soemthign too, to make myself feel better. lol. sometimes... when i look at adrienne and scott, i almost cry. i don't mean too, but i suddenly get overwhelmed with missing and lonelyness... yep. i hate crying. especially when i'm laughing. how lame is that? to cry when i laugh...
Snack Shack First Aid 09-18-05 08:14
i wish my mind would make its self up. i would think, yes, that is the way to go that is what i want. then later i'm like, wait i want other stuff too, what about this and that. james. i want to be with him. but i want to go to collage. i want to make money for myself. if i live with james all of that is promised for me. but i have to marry him to live with him. i don't want to be married... yet. i want time. i take time to do things, you have to be patient with me, i'm patient with everyone else. you can't push me to do something, i'll just want to push back. i am very indepedent. its nice to have abuddy with me, but i can do things just as well alone. i think its probably a bad thing that i can't make my mind up right now. but... i dunno. i have to think more about it. now i kinda feel like i lied before, saying i was confident on being happy with james. sorry adrienne, i'm just trying to figure thigns out, i try to be honest as i can be, and sometimes my mind changes. it was honest at the time.
yep.
Snack Shack First Aid 09-18-05 08:13
i wish my mind would make its self up. i would think, yes, that is the way to go that is what i want. then later i'm like, wait i want other stuff too, what about this and that. james. i want to be with him. but i want to go to collage. i want to make money for myself. if i live with james all of that is promised for me. but i have to marry him to live with him. i don't want to be married... yet. i want time. i take time to do things, you have to be patient with me, i'm patient with everyone else. you can't push me to do something, i'll just want to push back. i am very indepedent. its nice to have abuddy with me, but i can do things just as well alone. i think its probably a bad thing that i can't make my mind up right now. but... i dunno. i have to think more about it. now i kinda feel like i lied before, saying i was confident on being happy with james. sorry adrienne, i'm just trying to figure thigns out, i try to be honest as i can be, and sometimes my mind changes. it was honest at the time.
yep.
only on saturdays... 09-03-05 00:52
i went to my first funural yesterday... i didn't think i'd cry but i did a little. i tried not to though, its hard. my eyes would whell up and i would get a damn runny nose and i felt ridiculouse. i didn't really know my great-grandpa, but i wish i had. he seemed like a really cool person. i feel horrible for his wife, she and him where together for 60 years. can you believe that? that is a long time to be with one person. her life just died but she's still there.

i just watched a horrible movie... it made me cry a little, but not as much as adrienne. i don't cry as easily.
i think maybe i'm a little heartless...

i talked to james alot today... it made me so happy. i miss him alot. this morning he called at 5 in mississippi and said he was leaving for texas, cuase his base to live on was screwed up from Katrina. i was glad he was okay. he got a cell phone in texas and now has free night and weekend minutes. he might be going ot korea.
today, it felt like it used to feel like to talk to him, before he left. i was giddy and giggly. he sounded glad to talk too, which made me feel good. people keep being negative about me and him and i feel like i'm doing something wrong. i hate that.
when i talk to adrienne about it, my mind is trying to figure itself out and its hard to tell what i really want, i take time to do things in my mind. so i think i gave her the impression that i only liked the idea of james, but now i know for sure that its not just the idea that i like, i like him for who he is. i can say that i would be happy if i married him, i comfortably think about that, even thought i'm only 17. age shouldn't matter...
damn i write alot. lol.
i'm sorry, but i guess me and paragraph-break havn't really been introduced real well until now, thankyou.
i just got back from "camping" with adrienne. it was fun. i like the beach, and i like to camp, although there was an RV involved me and adrienne slept in a tent. i decided that i get cold easily. especially when i'm sleeping. i dunno why, maybe the lack of movement or something... but adrienne wasn't cold half the time i was.
me and adrienne took pics with my camera, hopefully they are good enough for senior pictures, i don't wanna pay 300 hundred dollors for someone to do it when i'm just as capable.
i don't like sand in my shoes, or socks...
i'm in willamina right now. i like how me and adrienne weren't born where we live. i'm so happy my child hood memories aren't from Sandy or Brightwood. some of them are, but my home-heart belongs to Spokane, Washington. and i mean that whole area. i lived for a while in Reardon. last time i went there my house was torn down. then i lived in AirwayHeights. for some reason i would always forget the name of the town and trying to remember the name would make me think of ScrambledEggs. i have no idea why. i am especially attached to Fairchild Airforce Base. or air force bases in general, which i guess is lucky for me since James is in the air force now. my dad worked, and still works, in the airforce. i would go to the base alot as a kid. now my dad lives in Okinawa, Japan. it's pretty cool there.
damn... i just realized how tired i am, plus i just looked at the clock and my eyes drooped a little more then i wanted them too. lol.
-misty
first real entry, woo! 08-23-05 22:54
oh man, adrienne jsut signed me up for this and it seems pretty cool. i like to write, i'm better at speaking that way. i have problems with my words sometimes, like i'll say something that doesn't sound offensive to me but is to someone else and i feel bad cuase i offended them on accident. today was a long day, but it was fun. i woke up at about seven thirty and did my morning shit, coffee and chores, all the junk. adrienne came and picked me up and we went to redistration. it was really long and boring and they fucked up my schedual, which i've never had a problem really before so i was agitated. i hate having to do all that schedual stuff. oh well. brandon gets offended too easily, he needs to ease up alot and take a chill pill AND needs to stop complaining about everything that is wrong in his life. its not THAT bad, seriousely... get a hobbie maybe. i like brandon as a friend, but he takes some stuff too far and complains too much. girls aren't everything. i had KFC and it reminded me of my work, which is at SkiBowl and it made my sandwich not as good, i was alittle mad. i need another job. we, me and adrienne, went to Freddies and then to the Clackamas Mall and then came to Willamina. i met her dad, grandma and granpa, they all seem nice. and i met a few friends. we mostly hang out with Jared. he's kinda goofy. we went to a pool hall and i suck at pool, but it was cool anyway, and these guys were going to hit on me (probably just cause i got big boobs), but Jared told 'em that i was under 18 and too young for 'em, which by law i am, but i wouldn't say anything... lol. except the fact that i have a boyfriend who's in mississippi right now. damn i miss that kid. he needs to come home now... although his home now is the effing air force. i hate missing people, especially him... yep. ready for bed now.
-misty
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